Of Salmon and Addictions
by The Salmon Lover
Summary: Zell's one sided love affair leads to depression. Is there anyway to save him from his angst?


The spiky blond grinned, a small puddle of drool forming at the side of his mouth. He stroked the object of his desire tenderly, savouring the warm, juicy flesh, itching to break through the soft encasement. He sighed in contentment, tentatively exploring the slit with a gently probing tongue; inside lay his goal. He opened his mouth wider, groaning in anticipation as his eyes closed in ecstasy, the fumes of his love intoxicating him.

"Zell!" 

His eyes snapped open, his mouth down-turned in disappointment. He turned to face the interruption, barely able to tear his eyes from the tantalising sight of the object of his affection.

"You _know _not to disturb me when I'm busy like this. What d'you want?" Zell growled, his annoyance quite apparent.

Squall rolled his eyes, a half smile playing on his lips. "For Hyne's sake, Zell, it's only a hotdog! Shove it down your throat and get to the briefing!"

Zell's eyes widened in outrage and he covered the hotdog with his hands hastily. "How can you say that?" He hissed.

Zell turned to the hotdog, eyes overflowing with love as he crooned. "Don't listen to him, he's just jealous."

Squall frowned, worried by Zell's strange behaviour. "Uh, Zell? Why don't you and the hotdog come with me to Dr. Kadowaki's?"

The blond thought for a moment before pouting. "Ok. But her name's Bella."

Squall looked confused. "Dr. Kadowaki's called Bella?"

Zell threw up his hands in exasperation before gesturing to the hotdog. "No! _This _is Bella! Don't be rude, Squall, say hello."

The dark haired youth gulped, waving tentatively. "Uh…hi."

Zell grinned maniacally before following the shaken Squall to the Infirmary. The kindly face of Dr. Kadowaki greeted them at the door.

"Ah, Squall, Zell! Good to see you! How can I help?"

Squall pulled her to the side, whispering furiously as Zell began to lick the hotdog feverishly.

"It's…him. He's talking to a damn hotdog. He's, uh, very protective of Bella."

"Bella?"

Squall shook his head in disbelief, slapping a hand to his forehead. "The hotdog."

Dr. Kadowaki nodded gravely, scribbling a prescription and handing it to Squall. "Take him the canteen and give them this. They know what to do, don't worry."

She eyed Zell sympathetically before approaching him cautiously. "Zell? I need to take…Bella."

He ceased his licking, holding the hotdog to his chest defensively. "Why?"

The doctor spoke softly so as not to alarm him. "Bella's…ill! I want to make her better for you."

His cerulean eyes darted from Squall's face to the doctor's and back again suspiciously. Both wore wide grins born from nerves. He sighed, grudgingly handing over the hotdog.

"Ok. But take good care of her."

"I will Zell. You have my word."

She waited until Squall had dragged the whimpering blond from the room before stepping on the pedal to open the bin, depositing Bella swiftly and without mercy. She dusted off her hands, smiling whilst whistling a merry little tune as she went about her rounds.

Squall stepped up the counter, handing the note to the lunch lady covertly. She nodded in understanding, disappearing into the kitchens before returning a few moments later with a covered plate.

"Give 'im this. It'll knock the craziness right outta 'im!" She cackled wildly as Squall backed away slowly, secretly beginning to doubt the doctor's medical credentials. He dumped the plate in front of Zell unceremoniously. 

"Here. Open it."

Zell tore at the covering eagerly, wrinkling his nose in disgust when the objects came into view. He held them up, examining them for evidence of a joke. A small, slightly odoriferous salmon was in one hand, glassy eyes staring at him. In the other, a fine ripe blue cheese sat melting in the heat of his palm. The pungent aroma's combined to make Squall turn a little green around the gills. He slapped Zell on the back, faking joviality.

"Get it down you, it's better than hotdogs!"

Zell narrowed his eyes. "Really?"

Squall's eyes darted shiftily. "Yeah, uh, really…"

Zell shrugged, tilting his head back and depositing the items into his gullet without hesitation. He gagged slightly before grinning, Squall shaking his head in disbelief.

"You really are a human waste bin. That's just wrong."

"Pah! Squall man, you need to lighten up! You can be such a cold fish!"

Squall began to feel strange, his mouth dropping open as his skin began to scale over. In less than five seconds, Squall was flopping madly on the floor, no longer human. He was now a cold, juicy salmon. Zell gasped, looking around to see if anyone had noticed. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realised everyone was too caught up in their own business. He scooped up the thrashing Squall and shoved him in his cookie crumb encrusted pockets. 

"Sorry about the crumbs man. I'll take you to Rinoa. And stop thrashing! You're making me feel…funny." 

The movement in his pocket stopped immediately and Zell smirked. The salmon and cheese had given his magical powers to transform others! He mentally rebuked himself. 

__

No Zell. Must not use powers. Must save Squall…

He passed Seifer who sneered at him as usual. "Hey, chicken wuss. Still swatting flies?"

An evil gleam lit up Zell's and eyes and he turned to the older boy. "You're a big, huge massive hotdog Seifer!"

Seifer promptly became a hotdog, which Zell picked up and ate with relish, smacking his lips. He looked around guiltily before spotting Rinoa, skipping over to her merrily. She looked at him strangely before greeting him.

"Hey Zell! Have you seen Squall?" 

He nodded, digging around in his pockets before triumphantly producing Squall the salmon for her inspection. She prodded the fish inquisitively before raising an eyebrow questioningly. 

"I have magic powers from eating the salmon and the cheese. I called Squall a cold fish and he became this salmon." He grinned evilly. "I called Seifer a hotdog…he tasted _good_!"

Rinoa looked at him in horror. "You ate Seifer and turned Squall into a salmon? Hyne Zell, I'm going to kill you!"

Zell shook his head, yelling. "You're a fish! You're a fish!"

Soon he was left holding two struggling salmon. He shrugged, placing them in the Balamb Garden fountain where they began to couple frantically.

For forty days and forty nights, anyone who crossed Zell was turned into a hotdog. Pretty soon, he'd eaten the entire population of Balamb Garden. After the binge he sat down, fat and unhappy. 

"I wish I never had these powers."

Zell sat up, sweat streaming down his face. He found himself in the sterile environment of the Infirmary and began to scream. The doctor came rushing in.

"What is it? What's wrong Zell?"

He grabbed her shoulders, crying with joy. "I never ate you?"

She frowned before realising what he was thinking. 

"Zell, you never ate anyone. It's just the effect of making you go cold turkey from your hotdog habit. It's over now, you're cured."

"Thank Hyne!" He sobbed. He looked up to find his friends crowding around him. He turned to Rinoa and Squall and addressed them gravely.

"I'm glad you guys aren't frantically coupling salmon.


End file.
